Mitch’s Redneck Guide to Nature

Mitch’s Redneck Guide to Nature

a Carolina Paddler Article

by Mitch Lloyd

∞ Nature is much too complex for normal folks to remember, all those common names and scientific names and regional names, all those species that look so much alike. Who really cares?  To help people like me, I’ve created a simplified guide to Nature based on my simple country upbringing that meets my needs and usually the needs of my friends as well.  Let’s begin.

Trees

In the RGN (Redneck Guide to Nature, in case you haven’t figured it out yet) there are three types of trees; Oak, Pine and Dead.  Oak trees lose their leaves in the winter, pines don’t. If it has leaves in the winter, it’s a pine.  If a tree doesn’t have leaves in winter OR summer, it’s DEAD.

Bushes

If the main part of the green thing in the woods isn’t big enough to clearly be called a trunk, it must be a bush.  Bushes don’t get as big as trees, and they generally get in the way a whole lot more if you’re trying to walk through the woods.  Bushes don’t have trunks, they have stems, some bushes only have one stem and some have many stems, whereas trees usually only have one or just a few trunks.  Bushes are usually shorter than you are, unless you are a midget, in which case everything is a tree. And yes, you can have pine bushes and oak bushes and dead bushes.  Let’s keep things simple here.

Vines

In the Redneck world of nature, all vines are poison ivy. Keep that in mind at all times.

Grasses

If the stuff on the ground is very low down, and you don’t mind sitting on it, and it covers a lot of territory, and it doesn’t look like a tree or a bush or a vine, feel safe to call it grass.

Weeds are a form of grass, they are basically any plant that grows in your yard, garden or farm that you didn’t plant and don’t want and grows better than anything you have ever cultivated, under any condition, including fire.

Mushrooms

If it doesn’t fit the other categories and it’s ugly as snuff spit, and your first instinct is to kick it over, it’s a mushroom.  Feel free to stomp at will.

Flowers

There is only one type of flower and its call “Pretty”.  As in “OH, look at the pretty flower!”  If a flower is so plain that you don’t notice it, it’s not a flower, it’s just some kind of deformed leaf.

Birds

There are 5 types of birds: White, Black, Gray, Ducks and Chickens. Here’s how you distinguish them (tell them apart you redneck).

White: white birds are just that, white or almost all white, and can be either big or little.

Black: black birds are black and most specifically, they are not white. They can also be big or little.

Gray: Gray birds are all birds that are not Black or White. Even you should be able to figure that one out. The Eagle, Bluebird, Cardinal and Canary are all Gray birds, obviously because they are not White or Black Birds.

Ducks:  If a bird can land on the water, take off from the water and can survive contact with the water, it’s a Duck.  A penguin is a duck.

Chicken:  If it can’t stand any contact with the water and doesn’t fly very much or very well, it’s a Chicken. Ostrich, Cassowary, Emu and Kiwi are all strange foreign names for various sizes of Chickens. The Dodo was the stupidest Chicken in history, which is why we don’t have any Dodos now.  If we had Dodos, they would be the choice yardbird for all rednecks.  And history reports that Dodo tasted just like Chicken.

Mammals

Mammal is just a funny science name for critters with varying amounts of fur.  There are two types of mammals, Deer and Bear. Deer eat plants and are generally eaten by Bear.  Bear eat meat and especially like Deer.  Bear can eat plants, in the same way that a salad can be enjoyed with a good steak.

Insects

Four types of insects need to be learned.

Worms – if it has no legs, no face, no eyes, and usually no mouth but it still manages to move and live, it’s a worm.

Caterpillar – if it has many legs and some eyes, but doesn’t fly, it’s a caterpillar.

Bug – if it has a number of legs, but not as many as a caterpillar, a hard crusty shell, and is generally annoying and repulsive, it’s a bug.  Do not confuse a bug with a co-worker.

Sumbeaches – This is an insect that bites or stings.  The initial and correct identification of this type of bug is always “That little sumbeach just stung me!”

Reptiles

Reptiles generally are cold, scaly or slimy creatures that have faces so ugly only a mother could love them. In fact, almost no reptile mothers raise their young, so that gives you an idea of how ugly they are.  I place reptiles in three families.

Snakes – snakes have no legs.  Any person raised in the South knows that all snakes are poisonous, therefore all snakes are Deadly Copperheaded Water Rattlers.  My father’s generation believed that all snakes should be killed on sight, preferably with a hoe or shovel. I try to live and let live, but I have killed a few snakes by screaming them to death.

Turtles – if the reptile has legs and a shell, it’s a turtle. A turtle can live in water. A terrapin doesn’t like water and generally survives on land only.   A tortoise is a type of terrapin that can only be found in zoos, books on reptiles and the occasional exotic menu.

Lizards – if it has legs, a tail but no shell, it’s a lizard.

There, now isn’t that easy?  Be confident, be resolute, and if others don’t believe your classifications, then especially be LOUD.